Thinking While Urinating

The other day, I was urinating in the small bathroom that is located in the small office where nine of my coworkers have their desk, and where I take up what little extra space there is hanging out with them, when I am not in my own (quite large room) teaching or listening to GrooveShark. So, while "making water"( as the old timers would say) I had a realization that the fact that I can stand here and pee, while just 3 feet away people sit listening and typing on their computers, is kind of a big deal for me. A younger version of myself probably would have been embarrassed to urinate in that situation. I don't have a shy bladder, i have always been able to urinate in public restrooms, even if the stall next to me is occupied, but this is different. An anonymous pair of shoes in the stall next to you, is not the same as nine people you know. You can make a random sound in a public restroom and suffer no ridicule. You can wait the other people out and leave on your own terms. You don't have that privilege in this situation.

(Sidebar: Now of course, due to the close proximity we try not to defecate in this space. Not out of embarrassment, but more so out of politeness. Over the years we have been exposed to a number of odors and situations that caused us to gag, laugh, crawl out under the stench. So, if you ever do visit our back office, please feel free to not shizzz in our toilet.)

The younger me probably would have walked down the two hallways to the other faculty bathroom, not located in someone's office and used that instead. He probably would have worried that using the office restroom would expose him to jokes, joshing, to people wondering why he takes so long to pee, or why he is so quick in urinating, or why he urinates so often, or why he goes so infrequently? I am sure you see where I am going.

I wouldn't say I was a completely backwards person growing up, or in my young adulthood. But, I wasn't terribly outgoing either. When I was with friends I could be loud and jazzy, but pretty much around people I didn't know, or in new situations, I was quiet. I didn't like my voice growing up, I hated (and still do) talking on the phone or in front of people because I talk too quickly. stutter, trip on my own tongue. I just wasn't very comfortable with who or what I was. It was like my personality was a sweater that was just slightly too tight, not completely irritating to myself, but awkward and uncomfortable none the less. I went through a period in college where I probably tried to overcompensate for this and became too loud, too attention seeking, and that experience was more like wearing cutoff t-shirts, or when girls wore body glitter--a complete mistake.

I was always sort of envious of those people who were always comfortable with themselves from a young age, those people who had that ease about them of confidence, of acceptance, who thought they belonged in any situation, any group of friends, who always knew what to say, what not to say, how loud to laugh, and when to walk away. Learning these things, learning how to be comfortable with myself was not easy for me. Learning to realize that we all urinate, and that no one cares that I urinate, took me about 24 years. Most guys probably take about 2 days to get this.

So, standing there urinating and thinking and not worrying if anyone was listening, or thinking about me urinating was a minor big deal for me. It is sort of a milestone moment. There are other little markers of this growth, my ability to confront kids on their crap, singing at church, "wobbling"* in class for my kids to see if they are paying attention. These are all little signs that maybe my almost 32 year old self is closer to being a more perfected, manageable, more relaxed version than jeffcrady version .18 or .21. That was my bathroom epiphany, and yes I did put the seat down and wash my hands.

*For all you white people who don't know what "wobbling" is, here is a link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siqrFpXBvBU