Fall and rebirth?

It was my birthday a while back. I am 29. So this is my last year of 20's. I sometimes get a little melodramatic about these calendar dates. When I turned 26 I wasn't a happy either.. I get caught up in the what has happened, is this what I am doing with myself, does my life matter, garbage that seems to often keep people from simply enjoying where they are in life and what they are doing. This year wasn't so much like that. I had a great birthday, spread out over a long period of time with family and friends.

But, I did think about some things. I have noticed this year, that my heart feels a little crustier than it used to. This isn't uncommon for teachers as they get out of their adjustment years, into their actual years of knowing what they are doing. I have felt less compassionate, remorseful, considerate to my kids. I have also noticed a difference in my outlook towards people, friends, and family. I feel as if i expect failure from people more than I expect goodness. I expect disappointment more than I expect fulfillment...i don't know, just noticing subtle changes in my outlook.

It seems my body's clock and demeanor changes with the seasons. Things are dying, going into sleep, and my ability to be compassionate and concerned seems to be doing the same thing. This isn't a good thing. Jesus called his followers to be different than the world in how they treated people, in how they believed. Thinking the worst of people, expecting them to mess up, finding contentment when others suffer definitely seems like a world view to me. So this has to stop. Christ has given me a great capacity to love. I have been forgiven and saved from much in my life--and in turn I have been remade in a way capable of doing the same--if I am not lazy and ungrateful. So that is my challenge to myself, to remember the marks of my own failure and remember how I was loved out of them, and then do the same to others, hopefully showing them what Christ wants to do in their lives as well.

thinking a little about marriage

So I have been married for two years now. Its strange for me to think that I have been married that "long", mainly because when I picture myself in my head, I am still just some kid--entering college or something. In reality, I am almost 29, which is almost 30, and many people my age have been married for 5-8 years by now.

Its been a fast two years. Between both of us getting jobs, our friends getting married, having babies, there are many things to keep us occupied, namely that my wife and I honestly have fun with each other. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same music, shows. We were not the marrying opposites sort of people. What has been most interesting is how we have naturally (somewhat) made each other better people.

I heard a person say, who probably heard it from someone else, that when two Christians marry each other, it is like they are marrying a large mirror, that painfully shows all the imperfections, scars, and sins that each other holds within themselves. This has proven most true. I never thought myself as selfish...until I was married. Then I keenly became aware of just how much I enjoyed getting my way, and just how used to getting my way I was. I have seen how manipulative I can be; how I can turn an argument (where I am wrong, grossly wrong) back around and inflict guilt and confusion by the manipulation and arraignments of words and inflections. I am the false martyr. I act like the bigger man when in reality I am only motivated by trying to make my own wife look bad.

I know this is true for my wife too. Its amazing that we love each other deeply, and yet without even meaning to, we can cause each other to feel very bad about ourselves. But this is part of the process, of both marriage and growing closer to Christ. To be burnt up, refined away, until something better, more sustaining and beautiful is left. We are just in the smoky, ashy point right now. The future will be better because of it.

How do boys become men?

I teach freshmen and sophomore english. I coach tennis for both the boys and girls at my school. I deal with puberty, adolescence, and all the drama that entails every day. And lately the questions of what make s boy become a man keeps embedding itself in my brain. I watch young men (good natured, good hearted young men) every day, and witness their attempts to cross over; to jump that widening creek that seems so important to them. However, as I watch them, I am becoming more and more concerned about what they are trying to become.

I was lucky. I had a father, who paid attention to me, who asked me things, who was honest, and kind, but strong willed and somewhat angry. I had an example, even if I couldn't have his demeanor, his candidness, his ability to gain others respect-- I still had the prototype in front of me. Today we are dealing with a new generation. We are dealing with kids who have fathers, whom had no fathers. We are dealing with kids who have one mother, two mothers--who have grandmothers and uncles and aunts. People make jokes about the MTV and Hip Hop generations, but the reason it is funny is because it is true.

Obviously, boys are going to be dumb. They are going to flirt with anything in or out of a skirt. They are going to want to drink and dip and smoke. But beyond these physical lusts, there is a deeper issue arising. The stage where people grow out of this is lengthening. The ideas about what it means to be a man are changing.

Boys in my school want things. They want expensive cars they can't afford. They want big tires, and shiny wheels. They want cell phones that act as telescopes into their friends lives and thoughts; phones that allow them to date one girl, and talk to another simultaneously. They brag of these things to each other. They brag and lie about their virginity, about coming to school drunk, about driving drunk. And yes, these things occurred when I was a teen, and when my parents were teens, but now we have parents who support and even encourage this behavior. Or we have no one at home to exemplify or explain how this behavior damages a persons ability to cope with life, or to care about others, or create responsibility for actions.

So what happens? As boys get older, many seem to have their softness, their kindness, their natural desire to do the right thing eroded away. They find strength in hurting girls, attacking the weak willed, wracking up debt to appear rich. The boys that I would want my daughters to day change, how rocks weather and smooth, accept the opposite. It is more so as if it is someone has a pick ax and is content to barrage them with blows that expose the jagged and rougher parts.

So how do they cross over? How do they become men, who will lead, who will care for women, who will raise children who want virtue in their life?

I am not sure, but I do know that it is a question that most people (at least in my small world) are not asking themselves...and that is intimidating as well.