Fall and rebirth?

It was my birthday a while back. I am 29. So this is my last year of 20's. I sometimes get a little melodramatic about these calendar dates. When I turned 26 I wasn't a happy either.. I get caught up in the what has happened, is this what I am doing with myself, does my life matter, garbage that seems to often keep people from simply enjoying where they are in life and what they are doing. This year wasn't so much like that. I had a great birthday, spread out over a long period of time with family and friends.

But, I did think about some things. I have noticed this year, that my heart feels a little crustier than it used to. This isn't uncommon for teachers as they get out of their adjustment years, into their actual years of knowing what they are doing. I have felt less compassionate, remorseful, considerate to my kids. I have also noticed a difference in my outlook towards people, friends, and family. I feel as if i expect failure from people more than I expect goodness. I expect disappointment more than I expect fulfillment...i don't know, just noticing subtle changes in my outlook.

It seems my body's clock and demeanor changes with the seasons. Things are dying, going into sleep, and my ability to be compassionate and concerned seems to be doing the same thing. This isn't a good thing. Jesus called his followers to be different than the world in how they treated people, in how they believed. Thinking the worst of people, expecting them to mess up, finding contentment when others suffer definitely seems like a world view to me. So this has to stop. Christ has given me a great capacity to love. I have been forgiven and saved from much in my life--and in turn I have been remade in a way capable of doing the same--if I am not lazy and ungrateful. So that is my challenge to myself, to remember the marks of my own failure and remember how I was loved out of them, and then do the same to others, hopefully showing them what Christ wants to do in their lives as well.