A Story of a Lazy Little Seed

I am lazy. Always have been. I used to just say that I was a procrastinator, but I don't think that is accurate. I don't procrastinate on things that I enjoy, or things that interest me, or things that are easy, and offer the instant gratification. I am selective about what I delay and put off--that is what is the kicker. That selection, that cost of pain analysis is what makes it laziness and not procrastination.

It isn't that big of a deal from most angles and perspectives. It means I work feverishly on grading things, typing in scores that barely make the gradebook before progress reports are ran. It's a picture of me on my couch, legs propped up on the chocolate cushion, a still life of full can of garbage. They are petty little things that don't really effect my life other than they annoy my wife, whom gets over things quickly.

But it is more than that. If somebody were to investigate, dig through the evidence and details of what my laziness has done to my life, there would be some substantial finds. They would find opportunities to make money thrown out with the trash. They would find tiny cracker cookie fortunes of white lies told so not to become involved in the lives, problems of others. They would see stacks of worksheets thrown in the trash--right now they would see a half mowed backyard.

And, I guess in some ways there really isn't any harm in it. It mainly effects me. It makes my life busy in waves of short durations of time. It makes me crazed for an hour as I do work in a fervor trying to make up for all the other days when I lallygagged through, but I have become an expert at the fervor, an expert at the perfection of rushing through a job. That would be fine if I were only lazy with tasks, but it is sort of like a little dandelion seed that finds life in a sidewalk. It is nothing, an oblivious speck unknown to anyone, but it grows quickly, upright and tall, and before you know it, the roots have made a crack that widens and splits the whole thing in two.

And that is how it is with me. Laziness was just a dandelion seed, a mere scratch on the car hood of my life, but it is what has continually caused the major cracks and breaks--the things that have taken months to get over. It urges me to not work on my selfishness, or my weight. It tells me thirty minutess is enough on the elliptical when I know I need more. It spreads into my relationships, how I know my friends and family will still love me even if I invest very little in them. It lets me hold on to things I should have given over years ago, because its easier to not do the work it would take to actually let go.

I talked about that today in my class. This poor girl has a guy who dumped her so he could have sex with girls on Spring Break, and she still wants to be with him. It's easier to go back to what we know, than to do the work to become something better and unknown. It is easier to not read my Bible everyday, than to do so and think about my mess ups. It is easier to get out the book of worksheets and copy one, than make a meaningful lesson with manipulatives and more impactful learning.

One time, several years ago now, I did a lot of work on myself. I wasn't lazy about who I was. I was told to become something different, something more complete than I was. I was given the strength to do it, to not be sad...it was awful. It took months to grow and change, to let go of people who were bad for me, to place my faith and worth in a loving God and not in what a girl or friend or a girlfriend thought of me. It felt like someone was pulling a ghost out of me, a clutching, raging ghost, when I would give over control of the things that hurt me. I hurt almost every day for over a year.

Looking back on it now, it was probably one of the greatest times of my life. I was pushed through to the other side, and when I got there I was stable. I had meaningful friendships. I met my wife. I was firm in the idea of who God had made me to be. But that lazy little dandelion seed was still somewhere in there telling me I had done enough--my life was good enough now, and over time it grew, it sowed its own seeds, etc. So, I have some cracks now that I need to work on. I only can hope that this work will be as rewarding as the last.