Up in the Air and Thrashing About

I have thought a lot recently about worry, trying to decide if I am a worrier, or just someone who has legitimate concerns, or what. I don't really worry about lots of things all the time, but I do seem to worry about certain things quite often. I worry over finding ways to pay for things, about my kids in school and what they are doing to themselves, about having to work hard, etc. Today, when faced with something that caused a rising anxiety inside of me, a realization sort of struck me out of know where. While drying my hands on the overused hand towel, it flashed there in my mind. I had been seeing my feelings all wrong, or at least sometimes wrong. Instead of worrying about how something would turn out, I think I just mourn not getting my way. Today while drying my hands, I asked myself, "Why do you worry about that, you know everything is going to work out?" And that is true. I know that me and my family isn't going to go hungry, and isn't going to be evicted from our home. I do know that my basic life situation will always be decent and very good compared to a majority of the world. So why do I worry? And, that is when I realized that maybe sometimes, I am not worrying about our future, or about how we will make it through the ever increasing inflation, etc., but maybe more so I am saddened that things will not turn out exactly the way I want them. It seems as if sometimes I may be mourning over the deaths of my own wants. Those wants usually being things that would make my life "easier" if not any more meaningful.

I consider myself a pretty aware person, and don't really have these sorts of realizations or breakthroughs about myself. I frustrate my wife, because I have often said that I always know how I feel about any situation, even if that feeling is ambiguity, I can express why exactly I feel that. So today, when I saw through my own little parlor trick, it sort of startled me, caused me to blink awkwardly for a minute, shake my head gently, how one might do when seeing something strange in the sky. This was my own selfish UFO sighting within my heart. So if life wasn't complicated enough, I now have to examine my worry, and if its something I am genuinely concerned about or if it is just mopiness over not getting my way. It's funny how as an adult we aren't suppose to have the reactions we really want to have. Sometimes when I hear news I don't like, or if I am not awarded my way or path that I want for myself, it's almost if I can see myself up in the air on my back throwing a tantrum, with my arms and legs flailing about. On the outside I simply say "nothing is wrong" or " it's fine" in an annoyed voice if my wife asks me what is wrong. That is the adult way. I suppose that is maturing. Anyways, I raise the proverbial glass hoping that the inner tantrums are over, and that through discernment, I will not lie to myself and "worry" when I am really just "moping" about the wonderful life I have been given to proceed through.