Skywire, the walk, the conflict within me

For anyone who follows me on Twitter, it is pretty obvious that I was, have, and still am sort of consumed by the Skywire walk of Nik Wallenda. I hadn't heard about it at all until one of the kids I work on tennis stuff with asked me if I was going to watch it. I turned on the Dish Monday night not really knowing I would end up feeling so conflicted about so many things because of this daredevil ratings trick.

Like many people, I sat there in my recliner, watching and listening to Nik and his family pray with the oh so glossed Joel Olsteen. I then watched him (terrified and praying myself, while also muttering curse words at him for putting everyone through this) walk, tremble, kneel, and run across that 2 inch wire.  And there were things that bothered me about the whole production. How Joel Olsteen's tan was the exact hue of ochre that perfectly matched his eggplant shirt. Or how his kids didn't even act that surprised/relieved/ or grateful that their dad had made it across. Or how he started thanking TV stations, managers, etc towards the end, instead of thanking the God he prayed to when swaying in the middle.

But ultimately what bothered me most had nothing to do with any sort of critique of Nik Wallenda's walk of faith, it had more to do with the perspective it uncomfortably put mine in. (Now before I go on, I should say I have problems  with many things Joel Osteen and people in his theological path preach, teach, etc. I also don't feel I am being called to jump off of, cross over, walk through, or be burried beneath anything). What bothered me while watching him call on the power of "Jesus's name" was that (and I say this with a deep sigh) I don't know how to have faith like that. I don't know if I should have faith like that.

I believe God CAN calm winds. I believe that God CAN move and change the path of atoms, particles, currents, storms, and mass. I believe Jesus did ACTUALLY walk on water, and heal all those people. I even believe in the Old Testament pretty literally. I believe God and Christ CAN do all those things. But I don't think I believe that they often WILL do those things.

I pray everyday. I pray for specific things, people, events. I pray for some of my kids, my family. I pray for situations that don't have anything to do with me. I try to recount and say thanks for previous prayers being answered. But often I think I pray in a manner that implies to God, to go ahead and prepare me for him NOT to do anything I asked. I pray unexpectantly. I pray without emphatication. I pray as one plays the lottery-- hopeful, but knowing the reality of deliverance is very, very small.

And I know there is a difference in praying for selfish things--praying for wants as opposed to praying for needs, etc. But beyond all that, I simply am talking about, do I believe what I pray for will happen, or do I believe that I will be able to handle the things I pray for not happening? Can those two things exist with each other.

It is easy to rationalize away the way Nik Wallenda prayed on that tight rope. To explain his demanding and pleading with God to calm the wire, to calm him down as simply his coping mechanism, or his breathing technique. However, people pray in this manner and fervency more than when just on a wire above the Little Colorado Gorge. Missionaries return of stories of god saving whole villages from heathen marauders. People on TV are prayed over and healed. Jesus prayed in the garden and was strengthened to do his father's will.

I wonder if my lack of faith in a powerful ever present, participant in the now God, limits my experience? Is there a whole unseen world of the supernatural that I am missing daily? When I say my prayers in the morning or night, I picture myself like a child. I have crafted a small little boat out of folded paper; I am walking down to the river's edge, and there bent over and slightly unbalanced, I let the boat go. What happens to it, what becomes of it, I don't know. Maybe I need to reexamine this way of prayer. From what the Bible shows and teaches, from the words of Christ himself (faith the size of a mustard seed) it seems like God has always been a 21st century God--always connected, always wired, ready to give and help us with our needs. Will changing the image of a paper boat on a stream, to fingers sending a text on a smart phone cheapen or lessen my experience any? 

I am guessing it wont.

I have to remember that we are created in the image of God. He is not created in ours. We are a whisper of the true self. He is the fulfillment. He is the roar of what we barely can say. Even to those who don't take scriptures literally, one who believes can't deny the ever powerful presence of God in the scripture and in nature. He is more than the vastness of the ocean. He is more than the depths of the greatest gorge. He is more than the longest battle in an unending war.

When I think about who Christ is. When I think about who his father is, I don't think it is possible to see both without seeing both the comfort and the power.  So, maybe I should expect more of myself in how I pray and what I patiently expect, and expect more experience and manipulation from God in my own life as well. I probably owe Nik Wallenda a "thanks"; not a thanks for the example he set, or for the message he sent to the world (for in some ways the presentation of that message rubbed all over me) , but a "thanks" for at least living so openly, that it made me examine how and what I asked god to have power over in my own life.